Navigating Postpartum Family Dynamics
Grandparents and other visiting relatives can be a godsend during the first weeks postpartum, or they can just add further stress and tension. Obviously much of that is based on the individuals, but there are things you can do to set everyone up for more success and happiness.
How soon?
Everyone wants to meet the baby ASAP, but it’s totally you and your partner’s prerogative if you want a couple days at home just your new family first
Also, as the mom who just went through the intense experience of birth, it’s usually understood that you may want your own parents to visit first before your in-laws
Flights
If family is coming from out of town, it can be hard to know how to time flights since you don’t know baby’s actual arrival date in advance
It’s safer to err on the late side - if they arrive too early, they might miss baby altogether; if late, baby will still be tiny and adorable a week or two later
Also, depending on the flight policies, they may be able to change them to come earlier if need be
Close but not too close
If possible, try to have visitors stay nearby so they can bop back and forth easily - but not in your actual house, so you can have alone time
Safety
At least 2 weeks before meeting baby, everyone should have gotten their TDAP booster (if they haven’t in the past 10 years) and flu shot if it’s flu season; in terms of COVID, it’s so hard to know since it’s an ever evolving; but know that DTAP and Flu are more dangerous for infants than COVID.
Some people ask visitors to wear a mask while holding baby as further protection, so given your own risk tolerance (and also considering the season) this is an option
Ask everyone to wash hands when they enter - you can also keep a bottle of hand sanitizer by the entrance
How long? Well, how helpful?
This is where things get a bit more complicated. Will a given family member just want to hold the baby, or will they be helpful with whatever you need to have a break (e.g. dishes, laundry)? Will you feel like you have to be hosting them or are they fairly self-sufficient?
If possible, try to have open conversations with the family members. You can frame it in a nice, vulnerable way: “We’re so excited to have you come, but I’m worried I’m going to feel overwhelmed with all the new baby stuff, plus feeling like I have to entertain you and deal with food, cleaning, etc. Would you be willing to help out with some of that?”
Hopefully you and your partner are aligned in your assessments here, but it may be uncomfortable if not. Working through the discomfort together is important though, as this will be an ongoing discussion.
It can also be helpful to impose some boundaries and structure on the days - we found that mornings were the cuddliest time with our baby so we reserved those to be just the three of us. We’d invite family to come around lunchtime each day and asked them to bring lunch for everyone!
If these convos aren’t possible and you’re worried it’s going to be a challenging dynamic, factor this into how long you invite them for :)
Knowledge Refreshers
The new grandparents obviously have experience from raising you/your partner, but that was a long time ago so they might not remember all the details and many of the best practices have changed.
This is especially true of sleep safety - if you are leaving them in charge of any naps, make sure to remind them about the ‘new’ recommendations: sleeping on their back with no blankets or stuffed animals
While not relevant in immediate postpartum, for future babysitting gigs, make sure to be explicit about any schedules/routines/expectations - for instance, are you cool with naps in strollers/on chests, or do you want to stick to cribs only? I would print out a playful “Mia Manual” with comprehensive instructions every time grandparents were watching our baby, so they could reference it.
